Let Go and "Kick 'em Out of the Nest"

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

“Holding on” is about bargaining, primarily with yourself. For example, let’s say Ben dislikes his boss; they don’t seem to see eye-to-eye on most things. Ben tells himself that if he can just hang on until the end of the year, he knows he’ll get that promotion and then he won’t have to deal with her anymore. Bargaining, in this context, allows you to wish—but sadly strips you of the ability to make the wish come true.   

In contrast, “letting go” is about facing, and then dealing with, the reality or truth you’re confronted with. It’s about kicking that “if/then” language to the curb, and instead, stepping up to carefully consider your options, making the best decision, and then taking action by following through with that choice.

In addition to our work lives, we face this same dilemma in our personal lives.

Someone very close to me recently started a new job, after the last two were short stints and unfulfilling. I caught myself saying, “If I am able to set him up for success by purchasing these necessary tools for him, then he will be able to perform as expected, he’ll feel confident and happy in his new role, and this opportunity will become the career he has always wanted.” Writing my thoughts down on paper actually made me realize the “if/then” language I had succumb to. You can help set others up for success and that is an admirable gesture. But when you expect others to behave in a certain way because of your actions—similar to my situation—you may be attempting to somewhat control others using an “if/then” mindset.

So in my personal scenario, I decided to not give the new tools to this young tradesman; instead, I offered to purchase and provide the brand new set of tools to him now along with a one-year promissory note, outlining the expectation that the loan will be paid off in one year. Once the note is satisfied, he becomes the official proud owner of the shiny power drills, saws and screwdrivers. He happily signed the note. He was provided with necessary items to begin his new job. He has a responsibility, though, to pay for them. Yet, the tools alone will not determine his fate. It is up to him to choose to arrive at the scheduled start time. It is up to him to pay close attention to the direction provided and learn how things need to be done. It is up to him to utilize his newly-acquired skill-set and perform his best.

Letting go is about offering assistance and then knowing when to step aside to allow others to navigate on their own.     

Similar to momma birds caring for their young and then literally choosing to “kick ‘em out of the nest,” letting go is an important part of helping others grow. Whether it’s with a colleague at work or a family member at home, the art of letting go helps prepare others for not only this next step, but the many more that will follow in the future.

(The pictures were taken from our flowering crab apple tree in our yard.)

Compassion: Are You Born With It or Can You Cultivate It?

Blog from Tracy Butz of Think Impact Solutions

I have always viewed myself as a rather compassionate person. I try to be kind to others, express empathy, demonstrate genuine concern, and help others in need. In fact, I began my career in speaking to share my message with others in hopes of offering inspiration, support and real connection. However, have you ever paused and reflected on acts that were anything but compassionate? 

As human beings, we each have some standard needs—like food, shelter, and love to survive. We all crave attention, recognition, affection and happiness—to some degree, at least. But what about compassion? Do we need it and are we all equipped to give it?

Recently, I’ve began thinking more about compassion. I wondered if it was a trait that’s innate or one that can be developed. According to research, compassion is something that can be strengthened through targeted exercises and practice, and isn’t something you’re born with. If you’re interested in cultivating compassion, here are nine strategies worth trying:

1. Encourage cooperation, not competition. Imagine three things you want most in life. Find a partner and get in an arm wrestling position. Every time you are able to successfully pin the other's arm onto the surface, you win one of those three things you want most. GO! So were you successful? Did you get all three things you want? Most people engage in this exercise and come out with one winner and one loser. But is that necessary? What if you both decided to NOT resist the other, and simply allow your wrist to be pinned, back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth again. After three times, you both will have won your wants. Instead of competing with others and trying to find a way to win and have the other person lose, consider if cooperation might be a better choice. It certainly would have been with this exercise.

2. Look for commonalities. Seeing yourself as similar to others increases feelings of compassion. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to identify what you have in common—traits, experiences, passions, emotions, etc. Ask yourself, “Is she trying to escape some emotional pain, just like I’ve done before?”

3. Don’t play the blame game. When we blame others for their misfortune, we feel less empathy and concern toward them. If you don’t know, don’t judge.

4. Model behaviors you want repeated. Research suggests compassion is contagious, so if you want to help compassion spread in others, lead by example.

5. Calm your inner worrier. When we let our mind run wild with fear in response to someone else’s pain (e.g., What if that happens to me?), we inhibit the biological systems that enable compassion. The practice of mindfulness can help us feel safer in these situations, facilitating compassion.

6. Notice and savor how good it feels to be compassionate. Studies have shown that practicing compassion and engaging in compassionate actions bolsters brain activity in areas that signal reward.

7. Put a human face on suffering. When reading the news, look for profiles of specific individuals and try to imagine what their lives have been like.

8. Don’t become a victim. When we completely take on other people’s suffering as our own, we risk feeling personally distressed, threatened, and overwhelmed; instead, try to be receptive to other people’s feelings without adopting those feelings as your own.

9. Know you CAN. When we realize we’re capable of making a difference, we’re less likely to curb our compassion.

When we live our lives with greater compassion, amazing transformations happen. Villains disappear. Perspectives change. Needs are realized. Happiness grows. Kindness multiplies. What will you do today to make a positive difference in another person’s life through expressing compassion?  The beauty is, the more compassion you give, the happier you get. Now that’s one gift worthy of re-gifting.

Eat Dessert First

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

When you dine at a nice restaurant, what part of the meal do you look forward to the most? Is it the appetizer, salad or soup, main entrée, or dessert? The main entrée might be what entices you to go to that establishment, but I frequently scan the dessert menu and see what the options are before ordering the main course. Why? Well, the answer is simple. I love dessert.

Whether you crave sweet, savory, or decadent delights, indulging in tasty treats during the confectionery course is blissful! Imagine reading this…The Ultimate Chocolate Cake is made with velvety chocolate mousse between layers of chocolate decadence and moist chocolate butter cake on a chocolate cookie crust, finished with chocolate butter icing. Well, that just sounds awful, right? NOT! So why is it that we feel guilty or wrong for planning our meal with an ending that is magnificent?

I believe it is because of unwritten rules; rules that don’t exist; yet, shape our opinions and drive our decisions.

Consider what you ate for breakfast over the last week or two. Did it include cereal, an energy bar, bagels with flavored cream cheese, waffles or pancakes, a pop tart, or oatmeal? My guess, is that for many of us, we chose one of the go-to breakfast biggies, and oatmeal isn’t one of them. So let’s see…what is the difference between a bowl of sugar-infused cereal or an ice cream drumstick? The honest answer is…not much. Yet, we have been brain-washed to believe that eating something like cereal in the morning is good, healthy and the right thing to do. Well, in the last several years, I have thrown that advice simply “out the window.” I’ll enjoy a hard-boiled egg or two with a little salt and pepper (tossing out some of the yolk to decrease the fat and still eat a protein-enriched palette-appealing item), and add in a little delight. My jolt of happiness comes from luscious chocolate that gives way to sweet, refreshing mint, which is full-bodied and sweetly smooth, making other snacks green with envy. What is it? It is the NESTLÉ^® SIMPLY DIPPED^™ MINT CONE.

I know what you are thinking. Ice cream for breakfast? That’s unheard of! And I say, really? How is my little delight so different from other common breakfast go-to items? It’s not. I just choose to start my day with some protein and a little fun.

I’ve come to realize that we don’t need to follow rules that don’t exist. Kids get it, yet adults don’t. When a child is given a donut, they often lick the frosting off the top of the donut first. Why? Because that is the tastiest part! What’s wrong with that? Nothing.

Instead of following life’s unwritten rules, stay curious and ask questions. Consider one thing I could do to make “this” a little bit better? Now that’s instant innovation! The ability to see things with new eyes is priceless.

Let’s consider dandalions.

Many of us hire landscaping experts to prevent or rid our lawns of these pesty weeds. But are dandalions weeds or wishes?

Ask any kid their perspective and theirs may be different than yours.

My point is simple. Life is about perspective. As Ellen Glasglow says, “The only difference between a rut and a grave are dimensions.”

Days can be long and years often short. Enjoy the gift of life each and every day. And the next time your sweet tooth comes a-knockin', take a moment to enjoy a small indulgence, one worthy of bringing a smile to your face. After all, if we ignore that craving, we feel strong. But if we delight in that delicacy, there is always a 100 percent chance it will be awesome. Now those are my kind of odds.

Handling Tough Feedback with Grace and Tact

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

So how do you learn to back off the defensive and calmly handle receiving tough feedback? Here are a few ideas that just may help!

1. Stop Your First Reaction. Take one second to process the situation and avoid a dismissive facial expression or negative response. Remind yourself to stay calm.

2. Remember the Benefit of Receiving Feedback. Openly hearing constructive criticism is allows you to consider it and then make the decision on changing a particular behavior—namely, to improve your skills, work product, and relationships—that likely will help you meet the expectations others have of you.

3. Listen for Understanding. Allow the person to share his/her complete thoughts, without interruption, and then repeat back what you heard. For example, “I hear you saying that you want me to…Is that right? Avoid questioning the person’s statement; instead, focus on understanding his/her perspective.

And give the benefit of the doubt here—hey, it’s difficult to give feedback to another person. Recognize that the person giving you feedback may be nervous or may not express his or her ideas perfectly.

4. Say Thank You. Empathetically thank him/her for sharing feedback with you. Say something like, “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me.” Expressing appreciation doesn’t have to mean you’re agreeing with the comments, but it does show that you’re acknowledging the effort this person took to share his/her thoughts.

5. Ask Questions to Process the Feedback. Ask questions to get to the root of the actual issues being raised and possible solutions for addressing them. For example, if a colleague tells you that you got a little heated in a meeting, here are a few ways to deconstruct the feedback: 

• Seek specific examples to help you understand the issue: “I was a little frustrated, but can you share when in the meeting you thought I got heated?”
• Acknowledge the feedback that is not in dispute: “You're right that I did cut him off while he was talking, and I later apologized for that.”
• Try to understand whether this is an isolated issue (e.g., a mistake you made once): “Have you noticed me getting heated in other meetings?”
• Seek specific solutions to address the feedback: “I welcome any ideas on how I might handle this differently in the future.” 

6. Request Time to Follow Up. If appropriate, articulate what you will do going forward, and thank the person again for the feedback, and then close the conversation. If it’s a larger issue, ask for a follow-up meeting to process the feedback, seek advice from others, and consider solutions.

Accountability Matters

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

Even though most of us understand being accountable is important, and likely an expectation, sometimes excuses are heard. Do any of these sound familiar?

• I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.
• I didn’t know it was my responsibility.
• Why me?
• I can’t do everything around here.
• You should have listened closer.
• Why didn’t you follow-up?

Instead of blaming others or not taking ownership, here are various ways you can personally demonstrate more accountability and help your teams do the same. Below are points to ponder-do you or your team do them well, or not? If no, consider implementing several of them. 

• Acknowledge the reality and your role, no matter how unpleasant or unfair it may appear/be.
• Demonstrate courage to admit mistakes and recognize the need for improvement.
• View the issue from all sides and perspectives.
• Resist allowing outside actions to keep you stuck. Accept feedback and act on the situation.
• Consider possible solutions, anticipating what could occur and preparing for both the best and worst scenarios.
• Continually ask, “What else can I do?” This question helps to avoid slipping back into a victim cycle.
• Accept appropriate risk and take a significant step that’s necessary to accomplish the team goal.
• Develop the willingness and means to do what you’ve planned.

Demonstrating accountability is essential for every employee within an organization, and it starts with you. As you and others continue to execute and value it, accountability will deliver numerous business benefits: better execution, lower employee turnover, and more creativity and innovation. Shifting to being more accountable may require a change in behavior from you, your team, and/or your organization, but leaders, managers and employees alike will find the results are well worth the effort. 

Leadership Requires Vulnerability

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

Across the world and throughout our businesses and communities, we are hungry for authentic leadership. We want to show up, we want to learn, and we want to feel inspired. We are hardwired for connection, curiosity, and engagement.

But when leaders choose self-protection over transparency, when money and metrics are more valued than relationships and values, and when our self-worth is attached to what we produce, learning and work becomes tainted. People disengage and turn away from the very things that the world needs: their talent, their ideas and their passion.

I’ve come to believe that leadership has nothing to do with position, salary, or number of direct reports. I believe a leader is anyone who holds her- or himself accountable for finding potential in people and processes.

Leadership, at its core, is about relationships, and to be in relationship (with anyone) is to be vulnerable. Every single day, leaders are called to navigate uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And they either choose to lean into the vulnerability or push it away.

Inspired leadership requires vulnerability--do we have the courage to show up, be seen, take risks, ask for help, own our mistakes, learn from failure, and can we support the people around us in doing the same? To learn more about the concept of vulnerability, watch a famous TED Talk featuring Dr. Brené Brown, a vulnerability researcher.

Click here to watch this powerful and engaging video!

The Value of Effective Questions

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

Asking effective questions is not only helpful, but a productive way of obtaining a clearer understanding and potentially getting us closer to obtaining what we want. Most people agree, yet their actions don’t follow.

Effective questions are open-ended, non-leading, and ask “what” or “how” versus “why.” “Why” questions are great for soliciting information, but can lead to feelings of defensiveness. For example: "What do you think the problem is?" versus “Why do you think there is a problem?”

And when asking effective questions, it is important to wait for the answer and resist providing it, especially in the presence of an awkward silence. It is also about listening to the answer and suspending judgment. Let go of your opinions and listen intently to what the person is saying, as well as what is behind the words. Examples of effective questions include: 

• What seems to be the issue from your perspective?
• How do you feel about _____________?
• What concerns you the most about _____________?
• What is your desired outcome?
• What do you foresee as obstacles with this plan?
• Tell me more about _______________. 

Listening can be difficult, though, when posing a question to someone. There are various factors that impact the art of listening. Perhaps it is because there is a desire to maintain control of the conversation. Or maybe, rather than answering the question directly, the person who was asked the question wants to share more information for deeper understanding and it is viewed by the questioner as a tactic to side-step it. Whatever the reason, sharpening our listening skills can only help reach greater understanding.

To enhance listening skills when asking effective questions, here are a three helpful strategies:

1. Focus Outward. Rather than focusing your attention on how the words you hear affect you—like considering your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc.—focus your attention outwardly on the person saying them. Listen not only for the words that are said, but listen for what they value and what is important to him/her. Instead of planning on what you will say next, listen carefully and completely.  

2. Clarify. Clarifying is a combination of asking and clearly articulating what you’ve heard. If someone is being vague, politely help them by restating what you heard s/he say. For example: "If I understand you correctly, you are concerned about X and want to better understand how Y works. Is that right?"

3. Pause. The power of the pause helps the other person to complete his/her thought and doesn’t invoke your opinion or idea. If you feel the person is stuck and wants your assistance with finding the right words, perhaps reassuring him/her that you care and want to better understand. For example, “It may be difficult to find the right words. I care, though, and want to hear your perspective.”

Given the high stakes of the upcoming Presidential election, enrich your understanding by asking at least one effective question today.