The Value of Effective Questions

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

Asking effective questions is not only helpful, but a productive way of obtaining a clearer understanding and potentially getting us closer to obtaining what we want. Most people agree, yet their actions don’t follow.

Effective questions are open-ended, non-leading, and ask “what” or “how” versus “why.” “Why” questions are great for soliciting information, but can lead to feelings of defensiveness. For example: "What do you think the problem is?" versus “Why do you think there is a problem?”

And when asking effective questions, it is important to wait for the answer and resist providing it, especially in the presence of an awkward silence. It is also about listening to the answer and suspending judgment. Let go of your opinions and listen intently to what the person is saying, as well as what is behind the words. Examples of effective questions include: 

• What seems to be the issue from your perspective?
• How do you feel about _____________?
• What concerns you the most about _____________?
• What is your desired outcome?
• What do you foresee as obstacles with this plan?
• Tell me more about _______________. 

Listening can be difficult, though, when posing a question to someone. There are various factors that impact the art of listening. Perhaps it is because there is a desire to maintain control of the conversation. Or maybe, rather than answering the question directly, the person who was asked the question wants to share more information for deeper understanding and it is viewed by the questioner as a tactic to side-step it. Whatever the reason, sharpening our listening skills can only help reach greater understanding.

To enhance listening skills when asking effective questions, here are a three helpful strategies:

1. Focus Outward. Rather than focusing your attention on how the words you hear affect you—like considering your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc.—focus your attention outwardly on the person saying them. Listen not only for the words that are said, but listen for what they value and what is important to him/her. Instead of planning on what you will say next, listen carefully and completely.  

2. Clarify. Clarifying is a combination of asking and clearly articulating what you’ve heard. If someone is being vague, politely help them by restating what you heard s/he say. For example: "If I understand you correctly, you are concerned about X and want to better understand how Y works. Is that right?"

3. Pause. The power of the pause helps the other person to complete his/her thought and doesn’t invoke your opinion or idea. If you feel the person is stuck and wants your assistance with finding the right words, perhaps reassuring him/her that you care and want to better understand. For example, “It may be difficult to find the right words. I care, though, and want to hear your perspective.”

Given the high stakes of the upcoming Presidential election, enrich your understanding by asking at least one effective question today.  

Do You LOVE Your Job?

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

Are you working in a job and/or career that is aligned with your strengths? Do you feel as if you are an integral part of your team, contributing to their success...or do you feel as if you are trying to force your abilities into a role or team/organization where they just don't fit? 

The good news is that there are key questions to help determine if you’re in a job that combines: 

• What you like to do.
• What you do best.
• What adds value.  

Harvard Business Review published 15 key questions to ask yourself to see if there is a job fit…or not.

1. What are you best at doing?

It is amazing how many people spend years trying to get good at what they’re bad at instead of getting better at what they’re good at.

2. What do you like to do the most?

This is not always the same as the answer to question #1.  Unless it is illegal or bad for you, do what you like.  If it is also productive and useful, it ought to be your career.

3. What do you wish you were better at?

Your answer may guide you to a course you should take or a mentor you should work with.  It may also indicate a task you should delegate.

4. What talents do you have that you haven’t developed?

Don’t say none.

5. Which of your skills are you most proud of?

This often reflects obstacles you’ve overcome.

6. What do others most often say are your greatest strengths?

This question helps you identify skills you may not value because they seem easy to you.

7. What have you gotten better at?

This gives you an idea of where putting in additional effort can pay off.

8. What can you not get better at no matter how hard you try?

This tells you where not to waste any more time. (If this is a core competency for your current role, you may want to consider switching careers.)

9. What do you most dislike doing?

Your answer here suggests what tasks you might want to delegate or hire out.

10. Which skills do you need to develop in order to perform your job?

Your answer to this question might lead you to take a course, read a book, or work with a mentor or coach.

11. What sort of people do you work best/worst with?

Do you love to work with highly organized, analytic types?  Do creative types drive you crazy?  Make up your own categories.

12. What sort of organizational culture brings out the best in you?

It is amazing how many people won’t leave a culture for which they are totally unsuited.

13. What were you doing when you were happiest in your work life?

Could you find a way to be doing that now?

14. What are your most cherished hopes for your future work life?

What could keep you from realizing those hopes?

15. How could your time be better used in your current job to add value to the organization?

Your answer here gives your manager valuable input he or she may never have thought to ask for.

So let’s say you are struggling with a comfortable job fit. What can you do? One fantastic assessment tool I recommend is Hogan’s HPI (Hogan Personality Inventory). HPI reports can help you identify fundamental factors that determine targeted career success in the following ways:

• Notes strengths and shortcomings.
• Makes suggestions about how to manage an individual’s career.
• Pinpoints characteristics relevant for success in most work environments.
• Notes interview style.
• Summarizes the recommendation for job fit and potential hiring.
• Classifies candidates as high fit, moderate fit, or low fit.

Remember, without the right job fit, you may never experience as much happiness and success as you deserve at work. So focus on aligning your skills in the right role and achieve your true potential!

None of Us Are Immune

Blog by Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

We all endure tough stuff. And when life-changing or stressful situations arise, your degree of resilience can dramatically affect how you deal with and move through the hardship.

After all, it’s not the difficult situation that does you in.  It is how you choose to react to it.

Resilience is defined as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health concerns, or workplace and financial stressors. What’s interesting is that research has shown that resilience is quite ordinary, rather than extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience—like how we respond to job loss, personal injuries, illness, relationship issues, death of a loved one, etc. Resilience helps us adapt and recover.

Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.

Some additional traits or factors that influence one’s level of resilience are:

•        Make plans and follow through.
•        View of self and confidence in skills.
•     Good at communication and problem solving.
•        Manage strong feelings and/or impulses.

According to research, the most important aspect is “Caring and supportive relationships”—within and the outside family structure. The need for connection with others is primal…as fundamental as the need for air, water and food.

Who signifies resilience to you and why?

There are four types of resilience.

1.  Physical.  The body can withstand more stress and heal itself faster.

2.  Mental. You have more mental focus, discipline, determination and willpower.

3.  Emotional. The ability to provoke powerful positive emotions—like curiosity or love—when you need them most.

4.  Social. You get more strength from friends, neighbors, family and the community.

Research has also shown that while some seem to come by resilience naturally, these behaviors can also be learned. Following are 10 strategies to help foster and enhance your own level of resilience:

• Nurture a positive view of yourself
• Develop a strong social network.
• Be flexible & more accepting of change.
• Take steps to solve problems.
• Establish reasonable goals & take decisive action.
• Take care of yourself.
• Keep things in perspective.
• Look for opportunities for self-discovery.
• Maintain a hopeful outlook.
• Ask for help. 

We each strive to confront tremendous challenges in life, whether they are poor choices our loved ones make, job stressors that affect our family life in significant ways, or health issues many bravely face, among many others. None of us are immune. My hope is that you realize you can be more resilient—it is more than just a possibility. And as H. Jackson Brown said, “Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.”  

Where Has Trust Gone?

While I was attending the National Speakers Association’s Annual Conference, there was a keynote speaker who asked an interesting question related to trust: Which sector is most trusted for its leadership? According to his research, here are the results in order of highest level of trust to lowest: 

• Nonprofit organizations
• Business
• Education
• International organizations
• Healthcare
• News media
• Government
• Religious organizations

What’s even more interesting is another statistic that was shared: “Trust in others and confidence in institutions, two key indicators of social capital, reached historic lows among Americans in 2012 in two nationally representative surveys that have been administered since the 1970s.” (Twenge, Campbell and Carter 2014)

Where has trust gone? It appears to be vanishing by the day. High level leaders and powerful influencers are constantly featured in the news today for lying, appearing to have little or even no remorse. From not being able to keep your doctor to patriots losing their lives, it is no wonder why we have a surging dishonestly epidemic. When top leaders demonstrate lying is okay, other leaders often follow suit, and followers are expected to fall in line.

If there is one thing my parents wouldn’t tolerate which I won’t either, is lying. Lying isn’t a mistake or something we accidentally do. Lying is the conscious act of intentionally deceiving someone. It hurts countries, organizations and relationships of all kinds.

So why do people lie? According to experts, people lie because they can get away with it, because it works for them. It's a way to get along with other people. It's a way to control their world, and it's a way that they can make other people do what they want them to do.

So how do we stop this ever-growing “lack of trust” trend? As there is no quality or characteristic that is more important than trust. It takes years to build, second to break, and forever to repair.

If you want to reverse the negative trust trajectory and instead work toward building it, here are 10 ways to begin making that shift happen: 

1. Tell the truth. Always. Don’t lie. Ever.
2. Communicate.  Frequent honest and open communication builds trust.
3. When you falter, admit it. Be willing to share your mistakes and faults.
4. Demonstrate care and concern toward others. When people realize you care about their interests as much as your own, they will more likely trust you.
5. Say what you are going to do and then do what you say!
6. Focus on each interaction—one at a time. Each interaction either adds or subtracts from the current level of trust.
7. Value long term relationships more than short term success.
8. Demonstrate vulnerability and transparency. By not hiding your authentic self, you’ll often radiate trust. 
9. Uphold confidentiality. Don’t break promises by sharing private information with others.
10. Guide others and look for ways to help people. These actions often lead to earning trust. 

As Dr. Brené Brown says, accomplished author and research professor from the University of Houston, “The key ingredient to building trust is courage.” Demonstrate the strength and moral fortitude to align yourself with those you trust, and watch your relationships prosper.

A Contagious Habit Worth Catching

I remember the days when my boys were young and the amazement they often wore on their faces. Simple acts create shared pleasure.

A number of years ago, my youngest son asked me to please take him to McDonald’s to buy him a smoothie, just as we began to drive home in the opposite direction. I replied to him in a quick and assertive tone, “I need to get home and get back to work; I’ve got some tight deadlines I have to meet.” 

As I looked over on my son’s face, I saw a sad and disappointed look which made my heart ache. He is such a sweet and amazing boy, and if that reason I spit out was true, wow, it is pretty bad if I can’t take three minutes out of my life to buy my son a cool, refreshing beverage. As I entered the round-about, I quickly decided to do a full loop and head back toward the restaurant. He asked, “Mom, where are we going?” I replied with a smile, “to McDonald’s of course.” “You are the best!” he replied. I am always astonished at how big parents are in the eyes of their children and how such small random acts of kindness are truly appreciated. 

The interesting thing is that an amazing feeling came over me when I shared where we were going after departing from the circular intersection. My son was certainly happy, but I was elated. Joy is one of those emotions that definitely goes both ways…from sender to receiver and receiver to sender, all in a matter of seconds. That small gesture not only created a moment of shared delight, but it also helped alter my mindset and got me out of my short-term funk. 

So how do we live our lives infused with more habits of happiness and less ruts of negativity?

I have found that we all have times in our life where things go wrong, where they don’t go as we had obviously planned, and they may even lead us down a horrible, unwanted path. But those of us who choose to be positive and look at life from an optimistic lens, make conscious choices about how we respond to situations, rather than automatically reacting to the circumstances before us. 

I have a saying that I am known for: “I don’t have bad days; I may have unfortunate moments through a day, but not everything that happened to me during a particular day was bad.” I continually challenge myself to consider one, two or even three things that occurred that were good on a day that was unusually physically tough, emotionally draining, or just simply difficult to handle. This happiness habit, as I refer to it, is one that I choose to follow and live by daily. 

I believe that we each have the power to control our reactions, attitudes and intentions. But if we see ourselves as victims of circumstances or events, it is probably impossible to stay positive, even with our strongest intent. Don’t give into the victim mentality. You are worth more than that. You deserve as much happiness as anyone else. But just because you deserve it, doesn’t mean you will automatically get it. As with anything that is worth having, happiness is a habit that takes conscious thought and steadfast self-discipline. Simply put…work hard at it and you are more likely to reap the rewards. After all, I would choose a life filled with passion, purpose and positive people over one that is depressing, pessimistic, and consumed with negative naysayers, every single moment of every single day. My hunch is that all of us would.

Life is short. Enjoy the simple pleasures all around us and within each of us. Relish the feeling of the warm sun on your skin and the cool gentle breeze through your hair. Offer a hand to someone unexpectedly, even if it means five minutes out of your day. Surprise someone special with a tasty treat, and adore the large grin you see from ear to ear. 

Choose to spread happiness, as if it were a contagious habit.  

PRIDE. It Can Be Bittersweet.

PRIDE. It's a powerful emotion. Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two antithetical meanings. 

With a negative connotation pride refers to a foolishly and irrationally corrupt sense of one's personal value, status or accomplishments.

With a positive connotation, pride refers to a humble and content sense of attachment toward one's own or another's choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people, and is a product of praise, independent self-reflection, and a fulfilled feeling of belonging.

This past week I felt an immense sense of pride, but it was bittersweet.

Someone very special to me has made choices that have led him down an unconventional and difficult path. He chose to hang with a group of friends that were far from being a positive influence, which then led to more negative choices. After enduring six stints in jail before age 19, facing two felony charges (among many other misdemeanors), and deciding to drop out of high school, this individual has chosen to live a less-than-easy life.

Over the course of the last year, though, he has remained clean, maintained a full-time job, is successfully living on his own in a nice apartment he calls home, pays bills on time, renewed his driver's license after it was reinstated, bought a car and is insuring it, AND decided to adjust his work schedule to go back to high school to earn his diploma. After many long days, hours, and endless effort, a little less than one week before graduation day we were making the final plans for who would be attending the ceremony, we finalized our family celebration event, decided on the perfect outfit, and wrapped the gifts we couldn't wait to give.

On Monday, May 30, just three days before graduation, I received a dreaded and heart-wrenching call. He was arrested and currently residing in a holding cell.

Incredible fear. Intense anxiety. Too many questions to even imagine. What happened? How could this be possible? Is the agonizing whirlwind happening yet again?

Today is June 5, and unfortunately we know little more than we did on May 30. The charges are incredibly steep, but the proof is weak. I believe in his innocence and pray our judicial system leans in our favor. This week will offer many more answers.

I don't feel any less pride for him for attaining the milestone of graduating high school. In fact, it is that much more meaningful knowing the extra efforts that went into making it happen after dropping out. But I feel robbed of experiencing the joy and expressing the pride that was so deserving. He and I will never get that back. It is lost forever. Pride feels incredible when you are able to express it and enjoy it; yet it is tremendously painful when it is forced to be contained.

Whether feeling the powerful emotion of pride is positive or negative, I believe it is important to focus on what you can control. We all face obstacles, but it is our reaction to the tough stuff that we can control. How we choose to react will either lead us into a downward spiral of pain and sorrow, or lift us to a renewed sense of optimism. It is our choice.

After all...he did graduate--and even though he didn't get to be honored in the same way as others, he did ultimately accomplish his goal. But as with other tracks in life, this one was yet another that was unconventional. What's important to remember is that no one person paves the same path as anyone else. We each make choices that lead us down our path. I can only hope that his detour is short-lived and he can soon resume living his positive life.

Perspective is Paramount

Last month I was involved in a three-car accident. My car endured $11,000 worth of damage, with the entire right side of my vehicle smashed from front to back, including two fairly nice-sized holes in the right rear door and right back panel. The auto-body technician said he had never seen anything quite like that before. That comment was concerning. My beautiful, shiny, sporty white car…no more.

From driving down the street on a gorgeous sunny day without a care on my mind to suddenly this…police statements, insurance forms, calls from the agent, calls from my insurer, calls from the adjuster, calls from the body shop, a call from the rental car company, more forms, a call to the doctor, more paperwork, a call from the other insurance company, more doctor appointments, and still…more paperwork. Overall, it was a tough pill to swallow. But as the saying goes, it’s just a car and it could have been so much worse. No one was thankfully seriously injured; yet the neck and back pain likely won’t leave as quickly as it came.

What I found to be amazing, though, was the difference in perspectives. The three drivers were all there. We all experienced the same accident. Yet how two of us recount the events couldn’t have been more different.

After calling the police, three officers arrived quickly to the scene and began to assess the situation. One officer walked to driver #1 and asked him to explain what happened. He responded, “After checking for traffic, I pulled out from this parking spot and she hit me.” I walked closer, took a deep breath and calmly said, “I hit you?” He replied, “Ya.” I asked, “How is that possible? If we look at the damage on my car, how could me hitting you have caused this damage? Or am I wrong?” After seeing a confused expression on the driver’s face, I then turned and looked at the officer, awaiting his response.

I honestly believe this young man thought I hit him. At the very least, he was somewhat convincing…even to me. I started to question myself. How crazy is that? I did and still do feel bad for that young driver. It was a simple mistake and he is going to pay for it, likely with his license. I realize that it is the responsibility of each driver to be mindful and careful, but I am also a Mom, and I feel for young drivers when they are involved in accidents. Although, I didn’t feel bad enough to accept the blame, nor should I. He was given a citation and I was left to deal with my wrecked vehicle and minor injuries.

So my feeling on this accident is that we all share perspectives that we see through our own lens. It may be “the truth” or it could be “our truth.” The challenge is to figure out which perspective is right. It isn’t about “they” versus “us.” Instead, it is about listening, questioning, and truly trying to understand. Real listening, better known as “active listening”, is something many of us take for granted…like it is a skill we all possess. Unfortunately, many do not either have this skill or exercise it as often as s/he could. If you want to learn more about how to engage in real listening, William Ury is one quality source. He is a world-renowned mediator, and works with conflict involving board-room battles to ethic wars across the globe. Click the image below to "listen" to Ury's perspective.