Last month I was involved in a three-car accident. My car
endured $11,000 worth of damage, with the entire right side of my vehicle
smashed from front to back, including two fairly nice-sized holes in the right
rear door and right back panel. The auto-body technician said he had never seen
anything quite like that before. That comment was concerning. My beautiful,
shiny, sporty white car…no more.
From driving down the street on a gorgeous sunny day without
a care on my mind to suddenly this…police statements, insurance forms, calls
from the agent, calls from my insurer, calls from the adjuster, calls from the
body shop, a call from the rental car company, more forms, a call to the
doctor, more paperwork, a call from the other insurance company, more doctor
appointments, and still…more paperwork. Overall, it was a tough pill to
swallow. But as the saying goes, it’s just a car and it could have been so much
worse. No one was thankfully seriously injured; yet the neck and back pain
likely won’t leave as quickly as it came.
What I found to be amazing, though, was the difference in
perspectives. The three drivers were all there. We all experienced the same
accident. Yet how two of us recount the events couldn’t have been more
different.
After calling the police, three officers arrived quickly to
the scene and began to assess the situation. One officer walked to driver #1
and asked him to explain what happened. He responded, “After checking for
traffic, I pulled out from this parking spot and she hit me.” I walked closer,
took a deep breath and calmly said, “I hit you?” He replied, “Ya.” I asked,
“How is that possible? If we look at the damage on my car, how could me hitting
you have caused this damage? Or am I wrong?” After seeing a confused expression
on the driver’s face, I then turned and looked at the officer, awaiting his
response.
I honestly believe this young man thought I hit him. At the
very least, he was somewhat convincing…even to me. I started to question
myself. How crazy is that? I did and still do feel bad for that young driver.
It was a simple mistake and he is going to pay for it, likely with his license.
I realize that it is the responsibility of each driver to be mindful and
careful, but I am also a Mom, and I feel for young drivers when they are
involved in accidents. Although, I didn’t feel bad enough to accept the blame,
nor should I. He was given a citation and I was left to deal with my wrecked
vehicle and minor injuries.
So my feeling on this accident is that we all share
perspectives that we see through our own lens. It may be “the truth” or it
could be “our truth.” The challenge is to figure out which perspective is
right. It isn’t about “they” versus “us.” Instead, it is about listening,
questioning, and truly trying to understand. Real listening, better known as
“active listening”, is something many of us take for granted…like it is a skill
we all possess. Unfortunately, many do not either have this skill or exercise
it as often as s/he could. If you want to learn more about how to engage in
real listening, William Ury is one quality source. He is a world-renowned
mediator, and works with conflict involving board-room battles to ethic wars
across the globe. Click the image below to "listen" to Ury's perspective.
